I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
