The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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