Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
