stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
