I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
