I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
