mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
