If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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