bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
