I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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