yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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