all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Help. Why am I so naked?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
