I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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