I molested 6 butterflies tonight
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
