i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
