my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
