I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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