1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What drink are we having for lunch?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
