Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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