Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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