I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
