He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
