Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
