i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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