Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
