I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
