peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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