just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
