So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
