and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
