I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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