Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
