Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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