the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize