come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize