tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
