To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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