I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If I die, sorry about rent.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize