he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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