if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
