My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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