i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
