Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
