i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It's no shave November. This is our time.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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