Got a toothbrush?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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