i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
