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Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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