I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
