so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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