he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
