I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
