Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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