Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
