Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
