what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
