halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Did I show you my penis last night?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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