I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
