sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
