I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
