i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
