I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
not ubering you a puppy
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
