either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
