I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I love having hate sex.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
