so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
